Look out World

My friend Karen is amazing.  She stared down breast cancer 5 years ago and showed it who was boss, had a kidney transplant 4 months ago, works full time, raises 3 kids and has an amazingly positive attitude.  On top of all this she teaches cake decorating classes and showed up to my house with this cake yesterday.

dscn00841It’s lovely isn’t it? I was a little squeamish about cutting into it as my own stitches have not quite healed but my kids had no qualms about slicing through these babies.  Thank you Karen.  If I could’ve made a cake into a real-life-looking kidney for you I would have.  I may send this picture to Cake Wrecks which is a hilarious blog site that you should all check out when you want a good laugh.  It highlights professional cakes gone seriously wrong.

According to my oncologist when she took a peak at the new “gals’ today before I had my chemo, I am healing nicely.  I keep calling Herceptin “chemo” when it really isn’t exactly that.  It is actually a monoclonal antibody that puts a cap on any cancer cells that are her2-neu positive therefore shutting off the cancer cells’ food supply.  That is why this treatment is  not as stressful as the other chemo I had.  It doesn’t hit my good, non-cancer cells as hard.    See, here I am getting chemo today…not so bad…dscn008812With this surgery behind me, I think I can finally see the other end of the tunnel.  I am staying put like I am supposed to but just as soon as Dr. Plastic gives me the OK, I plan on hitting the pavement running.  I feel strong and as long as my heart cooperates, I will be participating in a few triathlons, many road races and the Pan Mass Challenge in the near future.  Herceptin treatments will continue through July and then hopefully, I can put this whole ordeal behind me…or, well, in front of me, as the case may be.

Posted in breast, breast cancer, breast reconstruction surgery, chemo, her2neu, herceptin, mastectomy, mom with cancer, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

….and a Smooth Landing

Well, I made it through my 5th surgery with relative ease. Dr. Plastic did a lovely job (I think, because I won’t look at it yet) and was even so kind as to remove the drain before I left post-op.

They tweaked my anesthesia this time and loaded me with anti-nausea drugs so I would have an easier time coming out of it then I did in the past.  They probably tweaked it a little too much since I kind of woke-up in the operating room before they took the tube out (ick). They seemed a little surprised to see me open my eyes so soon.  

So I am home, recovering and doing nothing for 2 weeks like Dr. Plastic made me promise.  This morning it feels s little like an 18 wheeler was driven over my chest, but I have some nice pain-meds that should keep it bearable.  This time around I will take my meds and sit around….I promise.

Posted in breast, breast cancer, breast reconstruction surgery | 3 Comments

Cleared for Takeoff

Just wanted you all to know that I have been cleared for my reconstruction surgery tomorrow morning.  The virus I had at Christmas seems to have dissipated enough that they can operate and the impending ice-storm does not seem to faze my fearless Dr. Plastic.  He assures me that no matter what weather the God’s reign down upon us tomorrow, that everybody will be there including him and the anaesthetist.

The only other concern at this point was my platelet count.  As some of you know, I had a bit of a scare on December 23rd when I went for treatment and pre-op.  It appeared that my platelet count had been dropping steadily since June.  The possibility of Leukemia left me weak-kneed and caused a few sleepless nights.  Dr. plastic ran a blood test today and was happy to inform me that my count was back up to 260 something ( I had fallen below normal range to about 154).

Anyway, all is set for tomorrow, after which I will unfortunately be stuck with another nasty drain and 2 weeks of absolute rest, but will also, if all goes according to plan — have fabulous breasts!

I’ll have Gina send out an e-mail after the surgery to let you all know how it goes.

XO

Fran

Posted in breast cancer, breast reconstruction surgery, platelets | Tagged | 4 Comments

Good Riddance 2008

When I began this year, I wasn’t quite sure that I would see the other side of it.  You may all say, “oh come on, we knew you’d make it,” but that is easy for others to say.  For me, since they told me I had cancer, my own life was never a given.  With each surgery and every complication I felt it could be my final days. I’ve run the scenario around my brain many times this year.  “What will happen? What will they do without me?  How will they handle it?”  Morbid? Maybe.  Pessimistic? Perhaps.  I think of it as more realistic. That is just the way it is for me now. It’s not that I think negative thoughts all the time, it’s just that my thought process has changed. You know how the saying goes.., “If it doesn’t kill you, it will  make you stronger.” Well, not only did 2008 NOT kill me, it did, as the adage says,  make me a little stronger.  I am not the same person I was before my cancer diagnosis.  I can’t say that I am better or worse — just different.  I look at life, my children, daily tasks from a different skew. I have a better appreciation regarding the passing of time and a renewed respect to really try to live in the moment. I can’t say that I now live every day as if it were my last but I do think about  and cherish the small intricate details more often; especially regarding my children.

So on this snowy New Years Eve at the end  of 2008 here is a list of things that I learned:

1. Pettiness and Drama have no place in my life and I learned to  cut out all the people who perpetuate those energy-sapping qualities.

2.  I have absolutely no control over many things in life –including many aspects of my own health as well as the actions of others.

3. Most people are generally well-meaning, well-intentioned, and kind.

4. Everyone, including myself, feels jealous and resentful at times.  We must have been given those emotions for a reason.  I think it’s OK to feel them as long as we admit it instead of feeling ashamed. Maybe jealousy is there to spur us into action.

5.  People can change, and they do, all the time.

6.  Relationships enter our lives when we need them and stay while we continue to learn and grow. When we no longer learn and grow then that relationship passes;not to be mourned, but to be celebrated, and remembered fondly.

7. Forgiveness is the most important gift we have to give each other; because nobody is perfect (not even my mother!)

I can’t say that I will be sad to see the end of this year. I have had better ones, but also I can say I have had worse. This has been a tough 12 months for many people I know and for the world in general.   It feels like  greed had the world in it’s nasty grip for so long and that eventually that spiral needed to burn out.We have acquired too many THINGS. It needed to end.  We needed to be stopped and the playing field needed to be leveled.  Everyone is hurting on a financial level; some have lost jobs, others have lost investments, others have credited themselves into a hole.  Somehow though it doesn’t feel hopeless. IT feels like it will be OK.  People will rally and hopefully come to the understanding that things are not important, people are important, relationships are important, family is important. We need to remind our kids that there is far more to the world than how many i-pods and cell phones and computers we own.  And sometimes that means letting them be uncomfortable for a while. We all need to be uncomfortable for a while.  Once that happens,then we have to take whatever we do have and share it with those who have less, instead of trying to hold on to the things we get.  Because no matter how hard we think we have it, there is always SOMEONE who has less.  I think that we will be alright in 2009 if we just remember that. Yes we may want things…but do we really NEED anything?

Happy New Year to all my friends and may 2009 be a glorious year for each of you.

 

Fran

Posted in breast cancer, chemo,coping,running,herceptin,mastectomy, New Year | Tagged | 6 Comments

LIfe is good…

when Santa comes, and family gets together, and the food is yummy, and the company is fun.  If only every day were as joyous as a child’s smile on Christmas day!

 

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Validation

I have had two disappointing days.

Yesterday, I missed my 9 year-old-daughter’s chorus recital.  As I approached the school at 3:30 I noticed the smiling children and their parents exiting the playground door. “It’s over,” one of the mother’s said to me with a pained look of pity on her face as she pointed to the auditorium, “Maeve’s in there.”

As I walked in, I saw her screaming at my husband through streaming tears. When she saw me she turned her back; I  was devastated. The disappointment felt oddly heavier than anything I had faced down this past year;cancer,chemo, the death of my mother.  For some reason, this slight mis-communication of the start time of an afternoon chorus recital broke me.  It was as if an orange DPW truck had been driven into the school,backed up and poured wet concrete all over me. There I stood covered in  hardening cement, unable to move or speak, while young and old turned and watched me falter under it’s weight.

A year of holding it together, I thought.  A year of running on auto-pilot  and trying to keep everyone’s schedule in tact while juggling hundred’s of doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments, and trips to the pharmacy. Hockey games, soccer games, baseball games, dance recitals and gymnastics meets.  Piano lessons, ccd classes,craft fairs,broken wrists, skinned knees, strep throat, and hurt feelings. I got through it all. Sick and shaky some days, crazy from the compazine, lethargic from Ativan, — I always made sure my kids arrived at their destinations on time with the right equipment a belly full of food. And now, this, a silly little concert, a forgotten phone call to follow up and double check the time and I screwed up.  I couldn’t even blame anyone. It just happened. And it sucked. I felt defeated.

My usual tactic in dealing with this kind of disappointment  in the past would have been to get angry, tell Maeve to “suck it up, life is hard”  and tell her to forget it and move on.  I am not very proud of this method but it was usually my knee-jerk reaction to stress and I must say generally only exacerbated the problem.

I did not do that this time since the night before I had attended a parenting class–the 5th in a series of 6 free classes taught by a former teacher and counselor in North Reading.  This wonderful man, George McGurn, is big on getting hip to hip with your kids–really listening to them and validating their feelings without judgment or criticism. Nothing new.  Nothing we don’t all know.  But sometimes it is nice to be gently reminded and have positive parenting techniques brought to the forefront of our mind. It is so easy, after 15 years of parenting, to fall into negative patterns and get stuck there.

So the first thing I did when we got to the car is that I broke down and cried. I told her that I was sorry that this happened and that I was really very sad about it. I think Maeve was shocked.  She immediately stopped crying, touched my arm and tried to console me;

“Don’t worry Mom, someone probably videotaped it,” she said, “you can get the tape and watch it later.”

“Thanks, honey.”

Later that night  when I saw her laying on her still-made bed staring at the ceiling, I went in and laid next to her.

“You know,” I said looking skyward,” That was horrible , what happened today, and I feel terrible about it and I know you do too.  But you know what?  Tomorrow we are not going to feel as bad as we do now.  And the next day it will be a little better.  And before you know it, we will be saying,’remember the time you missed my recital?’ And we will laugh about it.”

And miraculously,it worked.

“You talk like this has happened to you before,” she said.

“Me? Disappointed before? Oh yah.  It has happened, and some stuff that is even worse than this.  But it gets better, believe me.  You will feel better.”

“You are right,Mom,” she said, “I already do feel better.”

Today, our conversation was still fresh in my mind when I received disappointing news at the doctor’s office..  My oncologist told me that after studying all the heart tests, it seems that my heart was damaged by the first 4 rounds of AC and not the Herceptin.  This means it is not reversible.   My heart will stay compromised and they are going to start me on a daily heart medication. The damage is done.

Again, like the fact that I missed the recital, this sucks, but also…there is nothing  I can do to change it, and no one to blame. I will validate my own feelings, and tell myself that each day it will get less painful and that one day I will look back on all of this and laugh( well maybe just a slight ironic chuckle).

One other thing.  They are re-starting the Herceptin next week and will try again to keep me on it through July – every 3 weeks.  I asked her why they couldn’t just scan me and see if the cancer has spread or wait until it spreads and then start the Herceptin.  She said –and even though I knew this, it was the first time the doctors actually have told me –that if it spreads then it is terminal. They want to stop it before it spreads and they are hoping the Herceptin will do that. Terminal is not a nice word. It was scary to hear her say it…but also somewhat reassuring since she wasn’t telling me I WAS terminal, just that they didn’t want me getting to that point.

Well, since she put it THAT way, by all means, I said — bring on the Herceptin. Which,by the way they will bring on starting December 23rd, the same day I go in for pre-op for my surgery and the same day I have a meeting with Dr. Plastic. 

Maeve is fine today. She has forgotten that I missed the recital yesterday. She has moved on, but not because I told her to.  She has moved on because I allowed her to be miserable for the day and really feel the hurt.

Tomorrow, I will be fine. Tonight though, I am going to allow myself to fully feel the pain of knowing that my heart will never be as strong as it was. And I will remind myself, that in life, sometimes things just happen.

 

 

 

I

Posted in breast cancer, chemo, children, family, herceptin, life, mom, mom with cancer, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

A Year Ago, Today

 

A year ago, this week, I walked into the doctor’s office for a follow up mammogram and she began offering me Ativan to help me sleep.

“Why,” I had asked, “Why do I need to go to sleep?” I was not fully comprehending the gravity of the situation.  She was trying to tell me, even as I was being wheeled in for the needle biopsy, that she already knew by looking at the lump that it was cancerous.  She recognized the irregular borders and could tell.  So she was trying to tell me, but I wasn’t listening.  

A year ago today my life was permanently altered.

A year ago today was the phone call, verifying the results — 2 lumps in th left breast,mastectomy needed. Of course as you all know, there were other bits of bad news along the way; but this week  I celebrate the one year anniversary of my diagnosis.

I wish I felt like celebrating, but I don’t. I don’t feel lucky that they found the cancer even though I suppose that I should.You see, one of the more frustrating things about breast cancer, and probably many other kinds of cancer, is that a year ago I was not “sick”. A year ago I felt fine. I did not fall ill with cancer and then have them “fix” me.  It actually feels more like they “broke” me. Aside from the obvious physical changes that have occurred over the year, the most disturbing outcome is my inability to take a deep breath.  A year ago I could breathe, a year ago I was thinner, a year ago I had all my body parts, a year ago I had hair,  a year ago I could string sentences together to make a cohesive paragraph, and remember people’s names.

….but what I have to remember is that a year ago I also had cancer.

In some respects it was a very fast year. I can’t believe that I sit on the other side of so many things I thought were impossible to handle — 3 surgeries and chemotherapy, to name a few. I suppose that is one blessing in getting old. Time truly does fly by faster as we age and when you have a year chalk full of heinous things, then I say “let it fly”; the faster the better.

So now we enter the 2nd year of my cancer story. I still have a long way to go. My next surgery is scheduled for January 7th. I will have a permanent implant installed (hopefully, since the temporary one is faulty) and I will have a little lift on the other side (Yippee).  I am running a race on Sunday, probably my last for a while, since after the surgery I will be out of commission for some time.

Even before that I have to find out what is going on with my heart.  Monday I have an ultrasound to see if my heart function has improved and then Wednesday I go back in to re-start the Herceptin. My gut feeling is that my heart has not improved and they will not start the Herceptin.  I have been very short of breath lately.  I can feel my heart doing some funky things. But we will wait and see what  Cardio-Boy has to say; he is the expert.

So I hope you all have enjoyed the ride over the past year,hang on tight though, stay seated, there is much more fun to come.

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The Geode Moon

Because it was the first snow of the season two days ago and also because the long post I wrote last night got lost; I am sending you all an essay I wrote about my kids that I wrote a few winter’s ago that took place on a snowy and cold evening; much like the weather we are having now:

The Geode Moon

 

Some facts we carry throughout our lives; sayings, truisms, and information that stays with us from our childhood. Even when these gems of wisdom are trivial, we announce them with certainty, with unblinking confidence. “Red sky at night, sailor’s delight,” we say as we look at the summer evening sky. We know this to be true.

Sometimes these facts are absurd:

 “You know,” I once told a friend, “turkeys are so stupid that when it rains, they look up to the sky and drown themselves.”

 “That’s ridiculous,” my friend said. “Who told you that?”

 “I don’t remember.”

 Inherently, we can recall the information but have forgotten its origin. When asked for the particulars we tend to look down at our feet or off into the distance with a blank stare as if we were truly trying to recall the source. Then we shrug.  We say, “Oh I read it somewhere.” Or: “Someone told me.” — Someone, somewhere.   

 

These facts lurk, ready to be pulled out during a conversation, the way we would pull an index card from a dusty Rolodex.  Ah yes, here it is…if it’s on this card then it must be true. See, it says right here, “It is illegal to dance in Cambridge.”

 “Is that true?”

 “Well yes, I’m pretty sure … I read it somewhere.”

 These blocks of information form the framework of who we are.  Our personalities are shaped by these tiny clips of memory. We can access our Rolodex at any time to appear smart or quirky, humorous or hip.  And sometimes we are presented with the opportunity to pass these facts along to a new generation.

 

 This opportunity occurred last night, as I tried to convince my kids to walk the dog with me after we ate dinner.  I explained to my nine year old son and his six year old sister, as I did every evening, about the responsibilities of owning a dog. How, no matter the weather conditions, the dog needed exercise and we were obligated as the owners, to provide that for her. They always complained of the cold and the dark.  They were tired. They whined, I chided, and they scuffled their small feet while reluctantly bundling themselves into their coats and hats.  Off we plundered into the night.

 We reached the field of the nearby school where our dog loves to chase sticks. As I let the dog off her leash and searched the frozen ground for a proper twig to throw, the children suddenly stopped complaining. My son tugged at my hand while pointing to the sky.

 “Look, Mom. The moon looks so cool. There’s a ring of color around it.”

 Without hesitation, I opened my Rolodex, pulled the card and announced, “That means it will snow tomorrow.”

 “How do you know that?” asked my ever-doubting son.

 “Umm” –Blank stare –”I’m not exactly sure…”

 As I was mumbling to my son and trying desperately to recall how I knew this, I realized that I had made this declaration countless times in my life and couldn’t remember who had first told me. A ring around the moons portends inevitable precipitation.  This was something kept from my childhood – passed on to me by my father?  Maybe it had come from another significant adult in my life.  Or had I read it in some scientific journal?

 My son was staring up at me with that nine-year old “oh-yah-prove-it” look on his face. Could I prove it?   The origin of my information was a mystery and I had never tested the hypothesis. Having seen my share of ringed moons, I had never followed up to see if snow did actually fall the next day.

 Pondering all this, I joined my children in admiring the moon; their tiny necks bent back at 90 degree angles—their chins jutted toward the cold night sky.

 “It’s beautiful,” my daughter whispered.  She was six and did not care if my facts were correct; she still trusted in the wonder of nature and that what I said was gospel.

 “It kind of looks like an eye,” my son observed.

 

Three rings circled the moon, each ring a different color.  The moon sat in the center like a sleepy eye surrounded by bands of pink, blue and purple.

 “I think it looks like a Geode,” I said, my face still turned skyward.

 My daughter looked at me and wrinkled her forehead as if to say, “huh?’

 “You know, a geode,” I said, “Remember the rock we bought last summer during vacation that you had to split open, and when you did, there was an amethyst in the middle?”

 “Oh—yah,” my son said, “and the rock inside had bands of colored minerals around it!”

 “Right,” I said, “that’s what the moon looks like tonight.”

 We all dropped our heads for a moment to relieve the strain in our necks, and then looked up at the moon again; attracted like magnets to the beautiful image of a gigantic cosmic rock floating above us. The dog, which had been very patient with us, began to bark. She’d had enough of this sky-gazing and wanted us to pay attention to her.  This was her walk after all.

                                   

We continued our walk around the back of the school. My children were so enthralled by our lunar discovery that they forgot to whimper about the cold.  I took my daughter’s hand and she said to me with absolute certainty,” That’s what we’ll call it then; the Geode Moon.  And it will be our secret. No one else will know.”

 “OK,” I said smiling into the dark.

 I looked down into her small face, pink from the cold, and I knew that she wouldn’t keep this secret. I knew that in 5 years, 15 years, 30 years, my little girl would tell her friends, her husband, her children, about the Geode Moon. She would explain to them that when you see rings of color around the moon that it is guaranteed to snow the next day.

 

This morning from my warm kitchen, I watched the snow falling outside. I smirked at my son as he walked into the room, still fuzzy from his sleep. I cocked my head toward the window and raised my eyebrows. “Look,” I said, “It’s true.”

 “Yah, I know,” he replied. As if he believed me all along. Maybe deep down he did believe me.  Maybe my little cynic still wants to believe that everything I say is true.

 A ring around the moon really does bring snow the next day.  I told them it would, and it did. Would it always? It did today.  And as surely as I knew that, I also knew that this adage would stay with my children and become a small building block in their personalities; a tiny part of who they would become. I only hope they remember where they heard it.

 I hope that when my daughter walks on a shivery night with her husband, she’ll say “Hey look! It’s a Geode Moon.  That means it will snow tomorrow.”

 And when her husband asks, “How do you know that?”

I pray that she will say, “Because my mother told me it was so.”


Posted in children, geode moon, mom, mothers, snow, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Thank You

hpim1211Let’s just agree that the whole ‘being thankful” thing on Thanksgiving day is a little cliche` — is it not?   Ideally we are all supposed to feel thankful each and every day  and we are supposed to be aware of our blessings with each new sunrise.  But seriously, that is a little unrealistic.  The only people that can sustain that level of thankfulness are Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and perhaps Oprah. For everyone else, life is life and life gets in the way and life is hard and most days it’s a struggle to get through.  So we are given this one day to reflect.  It does not make us hypocrites to bitch and moan all year and then wax reflective on Thanksgiving; it makes us human.  At least we are given this one day a year when we are forced to be thankful.

Almost every person in my life is struggling with something right now.  Some have health issues, others can’t pay their bills, many are lonely, and some are fighting physiological demons.  These are my friends and my family and I think about each one of their concerns daily. They weigh on me and I worry about them.  I worry about myself too.  But today I thought, well, at least each one of these plights are separate; at least there are other things to be thankful for.  For example, I have cancer; but I am not alone.  Someone who is feeling the pressures of finances right now, at least has their health and someone who loves them. Each person that I know is struggling has at least one positive aspect in their lives.  It just takes a little searching to find it sometimes. A little bit of digging past all the daily crap to find the one bright spot.So on Thanksgiving we are allowed to dig deep and find the one thing we do have — not focus on the 10 things we don’t.

There are things I don’t have this Thanksgiving that I had last year –my long hair, my left breast, and my mother. Tomorrow I won’t think about those things, I will concentrate on what I do have.  What I do have this Thanksgiving is a new awareness of how precious my life is and how amazing it feels to connect to people.  I feel that I have gained far more than I have lost in the past year and for that I am eternally thankful.  For all of you, my friends , who have been there to guide me and listen to me and hold my hand throughout this ordeal I am overwhelmingly grateful.  This Thanksgiving I will stop and realize how truly lucky we all are in one way or another, even though it may not feel that way on most days, and hopefully we can be a little like Oprah and continue to feel grateful all year long.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Rest in Peace Mom

getattachmentaspxWe buried my mother yesterday.  It was a noticeably short service at the grave of my Father and brother where a priest who had never even met her, quickly mumbled a few prayers over the small box of ashes that my mother had become. My sister offered the shoe-sized box around for everyone to kiss before she handed it to the priest but when she got to me, I declined. That seemed a little too odd for me; slightly staged. I looked around half expecting the director to jump out and yell “cut” because I didn’t act out the scene like I was supposed to.

Mom died almost 3 months ago and I have not cried.  I hope that one day I will have enough quiet in my life and be allowed the time to reflect on Mary Buckley and what she meant to me, but for now I feel so embroiled in the lives of my 3 kids and my own health issues that it seems impossible.  Still, I felt I should write something in her memory, so here is the eulogy I wrote for her, my Mom, who loved me more than just about anyone on this earth.  I suppose that will be the hardest thing about losing a mother; because there truly is no greater love than that of a parent to a child.  This I will miss.

   Mary Martha Buckley

 July 5, 1923- August 27, 2008

 There comes a point in our lives when we all wonder what our purpose is on this earth; what legacy we will leave behind. Have we done anything spectacular? Contributed enough to society?  Will we be remembered?  Usually though, we discover it is not the major accomplishments that define a life but rather the small, quiet things a person passes along that are far more important –far more lasting and impressive. My mothers’ life can be measured in the subtle ways she has affected us all and in the traits she has passed on to her children and grandchildren. She lived for us.  And because of that, we learned from her.

 Anyone who knew Mary Buckley knew she could be quite feisty and downright ornery at times.  They also knew of her razor sharp wit and positive attitude. Although she had been through some difficult times, she never complained, always looking for the bright side. Mary outlived her beloved husband, Joe and suffered the loss of her sons, Paul and Michael – all snatched from this earth far too young. She carried through these tragedies with dignity and style.  When she would tell me of her childhood – losing her own mother as an infant and then being shuffled around from aunt to aunt to grandfather to stepmother, I would say to her “that’s awful,” to which she would reply, ”Oh no, I had a great life.” And this she truly meant. She always believed that no matter how bad things got, there were others around us who suffered more, others who could benefit from our assistance.

 Michael’s daughter Summer says this about her grandmother;” The most important thing Grammy taught me is to always keep my chin up and look ahead. Not to look behind me at the sad times but to see how much we have right here and now.  She also taught me that no matter how bad things got, to always look your best.  What an amazing, classy and strong woman she was.”

 My mother always said, “It’s far better to look good than to feel good.” It was a motto, which she was afforded the luxury to live by since for most of her life she was in perfect health. Up until her 80th birthday, Mary not only looked good, she felt great.  It was only in the last few years her health began to falter and even through that she held herself up to the highest standard, making sure her hair was done and her makeup applied correctly. Some might call this vanity or excessive pride. I call it class. Class is defined as ‘elegance in appearance, behavior, or lifestyle.’ My mother was the epitome of class and it was a quality that she instilled in all us. Always present your best face to the world, no matter how your heart aches or what problems keep you up at night. Last week when she died, a mere month into her 85th year, I must say, she looked pretty darned good.

 Throughout her life my mother dreamed about events in our lives before they happened. Sometimes her dreams foretold tragic events; sometimes they just foreshadowed an unexpected visitor. As we got older and moved away from home, she would always call us with the warning.

“Be careful today, I had a dream about you last night”

 I’d spend the day looking over my shoulder and driving very slowly; not taking any chances.

 This gift was passed on to her granddaughter Fawn, who said recently, “Anytime I have that Mother-child 6th sense feeling, I think of Grammy.  I have that same connection with my children and whenever I tell a story about my 6th sense, I always mention that my Grammy has this with her own children, and every time I mention that, it makes me smile inside.  I like to think that I got this ‘power’ from her.”

These powerful connective dreams were my mother’s way of keeping us all safe.  Something she will now do from a distance.

 Mary was a woman who craved quiet. Unfortunately for her, we were a very loud family. Like the eye of a hurricane my mother remained centered while we, her children with all our life’s drama swirled with fury around her. If we could get to her, we knew we would find a peaceful solace. Whenever life threw us curves, we called Mom. She listened quietly without giving unsolicited advice.  Of course if you did ask for her opinion, you had better have been prepared to hear the truth. I remember arriving home to a house full of well-intentioned people after the birth of my eldest son, Calvin. Overwhelmed, I snuck up to my bedroom shut the door and talked to her on the phone for close to an hour. I couldn’t tell you what she said, but I do remember that she gently reassured me, telling me that I would be OK and that I just needed to find some solitude for me and my newborn; which I did find…in her voice.

 Mary loved axioms, she peppered every conversation with them: Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, There but for the grace of God go I, Jesus Mary, and Joseph, Count your blessings, Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, Throwing good money after bad, Robbing Peter to pay Paul — all of these sayings have now been added to my own repertoire. I pull them out of my brain like cards from her old recipe box whenever I need them in a conversation. She told me once that turkeys are so stupid, that when it rains they look up to the heavens and drown themselves. Whether or not this is true, it has become part of me and I will continue to pass this knowledge on to anyone that will listen.

 In the end, we discover that it is the little things that define us; the minute details of our lives that we pass on. My mother’s legacy will remain every time I add vinegar to dough when making the perfect apple pie or when I boil the potatoes “in their jackets”, as she would always tell me, when making potato salad. Every time I brush Maeve’s hair or make Aidan fudge and each time I sit for a heart-to-heart talk with Calvin. Every time Moe matches her belt with her shoes or daughter Mary plays cribbage. Every time Brian flashes his smile and Karen laughs her contagious laugh.  Whenever her grandson Stephen remembers how much he was loved or his sister Kristen cracks a joke in the face of adversity, mom is there.  My mother did not write a book or discover a cure for cancer. She will not be remembered far and wide for her great accomplishments, but instead she will be remembered close to all of our hearts, where it really maters, for her dignity and quiet style, and for all the things she taught each of us about being the best person we could possibly be for the exceedingly short time we are here. 

 

 

With love,

 

Franny

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