Mix Master

 

There is a roadblock that is making it impossible for me to write.  My friend Beth has been quietly nagging me to get at it.  So I believe once I get this out of the way, I’ll be on my way….

In case you haven’t heard, I am getting divorced. My husband and I are splitting up. There I said it.  It’s not news around my house since we have been talking about it here for close to eight years–years before my cancer diagnosis, established last June that it would actually take place, and had many discussions with our children–who were not all that surprised.  But it may be news to you.  Are you shocked?  Dismayed? Horrified?  Maybe.  Do you have a right to be any of those things? Maybe not. If you lived in this house with us for the past 21 years and really understood the reasons behind this disolvement, then yes, you have rights regarding your opinion of our breakup; other than that, it shouldn’t be of any part of your daily conversation.

Of course I do feel the need slightly to explain our particulars to many of you who just can’t fathom that this tragedy could happen.  But I would rather you ask me personally if you really want to know. I’d be happy to tell you. We talk about it openly here in my house–I welcome your questions.

What I can tell you is that the main reason for any breakup is the ultimate happiness for both parties in the long run.  And this I believe with my whole heart is possible. I am certainly not saying it won’t be a difficult path for a while, but I also feel that taking the easy way out and staying together for the sake of opinion or habit is impossible. For me anyway.  Having a cancer scare has taught me that life is short–too short to take for granted.

A friend recently told me that he hated my cancer.  Hated that I had it, hated that the possibility still exists that it will return.  I told him that in an odd way I love my cancer. This was met with wide-eyed shock. “You LOVE your cancer?” Well I don’t love the fact that I got cancer but in an strange and bizarre way, getting cancer stopped me in my tracks and made me take a good hard look at my life, what was important, and made me face how I wanted to spend the rest of my days here on earth.  Weather they be months or many years.  So now that the cancer is at bay and and I am through battling for my health — it’s time to start battling for my life, time to take control.

When you can take the time to step back and observe your life as a whole; it’s not a single thing but quite a complex  tangling of many different aspects. So to take control of your life means to effect change on many fronts.  The problem is that too many changes all at once can cause great stress and anxiety.  When I worked in radio sales, I used to spend many hours in the production studio observing our production guy mix commercials or music on the sound board. It’s probably all done digitally now, but back then in the late 80’s early 90’s, it was the manipulation of  a series of levers that would be pushed up or down depending on which voice or music needed to be in the forefront or dropped to the background that was used to create  the perfect combination– a smooth commercial or beautiful piece of music.  These days, I see my life as that mixing board,  the levers, instead of being bass and treble represent my children, my marriage, my work, my home, my exercise and my leisure time.  And I need to become masterful at not only creating a perfect balance, but moving things forward in a positive direction. It’s impossible to move all aspects forward at once or you risk an overload–too much noise, too much commotion.

My husband and I are fine and we will continue to be friends as we have always been. I would hope that after 21 years our friends and family understand this and do not create unnecessary tension and complications.  I am sure there will be “side-taking”, there always is…but I am hoping that most of you can begin to see that life situations are speckled with colors and shades and do not exist in black and white. Decisions like this are complicated, not easy to sort out even from the inside–impossible for outsiders to make judgements.

One lever at a time, a little bit everyday. Eventually I’ll get the right mix.

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About francesbarrie

Cancer survivor,mom,triathlete,writer,jewelry maker, baker. Staying happy and healthy,living life and enjoying it one moment at a time.
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One Response to Mix Master

  1. Karen says:

    Hi Fran – long time, no read, no see, nothing. I am so glad to see you wrote something! I, however, have been extremely busy trying to balance my work, kids, and the love of my life that I met on Match.com. . . his name is Mark. . . I kid you not. So the long run is the finish line you should be looking at, not the madness leading up to it.

    I’m thinking about you and wish you and your family the best during the transition to a happier family!

    love, Karen

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