I have been in the doldrums. I won’t call it depression, it’s more a state of “oh well”. Because of this,I have been having trouble lately feeling inspired enough to write in this blog. I know that there is a responsibility to post everyday, but I am in a semi-holding pattern these days and therefore have nothing very interesting to write about. I won’t have my next surgery until January 7th so between now and then I just have my Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks and take my daily dose of Tamoxifen. It’s all quite boring, frankly. There are a few things that are bothering me though and I vowed this morning to change them.
Despite my return to running daily and back to the gym in the wee hours of the morning I am still gaining weight. This is really starting to piss me off. Before getting breast cancer I had worked very hard to get myself to a point where I was comfortable in the clothes I wore. This is no longer the case thanks to surgical down-time, comfort-food eating after chemo and the tamoxifen-induced menopause that has turned my muscle into fat and made my metabolism come to a screeching halt. I can deal with my new curly dark hair and I can deal with the fact that I have one breast, I can not deal with the fact that every single pair of pants I own does not fit me.
I want to go back to work. I need to go back to work. But something is holding me back. I say I have no time and I don’t want to start anything before the surgery, but I am not even believing myself anymore. I have had offers at restaurants to waitress as well as a full-time sales job. I turned my back on both of these with the excuse that I don’t have time or energy at this point.
My house is a disaster and my kids schedules are out of control. I am supposed to be running a craft fair in less than a month and I am completely disorganized. I keep blaming the chemo saying it has screwed up my brain leaving it impossible to handle more than one thought or task at a time. My days of multi-tasking seem to be over. Is it the chemo? Or have I just gotten lazy? Most days I feel the need to actually shake my head like a cartoon character to jog my brain back into place. Seriously, if I had any hair right now I would rip it out of my head.
Last week I went to a talk at my son’s High School called “Rachel’s Challenge”. It was a seminar on Columbine, Rachel being one of the first victims that day, and the woman spoke about helping others and kindness and racism. She also put out a challenge to the audience, telling the students to write down their goals as this girl Rachel had done; to put in writing what you want to do with your life. So I have decided today that I will put my goals out to you all. That way you can all hold me acountable when I start to slip. Here they are:
This year I will:
1. Stop procrastinating and blaming my cancer for my messy house and lack of organization.
2. Get back on the Zone and lose 15 lbs.
3. Publish my essays and turn them into a book that will inspire and help others.
4. Get a job.
Well, that’s it, wish me luck, now I have to go clean my house!